But Colin’s real game is the nominations for elimination. Each celebrity secretly votes for one person to leave. Colin has been cultivating votes against himself by being “too perfect.” Leo votes Colin because “he makes me feel inadequate.” Trixie votes Colin because “he never reacts—it’s creepy.” Rory votes Colin because “he complimented my risotto but didn’t eat the seconds, the swine.”

Colin enters the crypt. It’s pitch black. The floor is writhing with cockroaches, mealworms, and three large snakes. The task: retrieve 5 stars from submerged boxes of offal. The usual contestant would thrash, scream, and beg.

Then the helicopter brings Colin.

And somewhere, an accountant in Swindon is still waiting for a raffle prize that never comes.

A special reunion episode is filmed. Rory refuses to shake Colin’s hand. Trixie laughs and says, “I knew it! No real accountant has that good skin.” Leo is still crying. Mags just looks at Colin and says, “You played us like a fiddle.”

Then, as he walks toward the exit, he turns back. “Oh, one more thing. Rory—the mushroom risotto? I lied. It was like eating a salted sponge.”

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